What a kind woman! 😂😂
You Might Also Like
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Just as the prophecy foretold
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Why is this me 😫
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.