What a kind woman! 😂😂
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Traveler’s camo
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.