[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks?
Patron: I dunno… *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.