“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.