“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”


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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.


[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together


It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.


Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.


[Mexican Restaurant]

Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks?

Patron: I dunno… *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?


Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.


“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.