Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
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Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
never compromise your values
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need