@shanethevein

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

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@SarahMJade

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

@Home_Halfway

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

@KissabiX

My friends car got stolen and was handed back littered with evidence of drugs.

Great, now a car is having a more interesting life than I.

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

@rockymomax

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

@TheAlexP

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

@noneofyours99

*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”