What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I can fix him.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.