When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My friends car got stolen and was handed back littered with evidence of drugs.
Great, now a car is having a more interesting life than I.
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*
Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers
“You look fine now”