What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot