What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab