“What a tangled web we weave”


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Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.


[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box


why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE


My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol


I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.


I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people


Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito


“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”


I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm


Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*