“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Last-minute gift idea!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
IT’S-A ME,
fun fact: nike is short for nichael