Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.