What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
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Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.