What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Pat is about to own someone
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.