What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.