@hellohappy_time

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

@Mom_Overboard

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

@AnkCoupleTO

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring

@climaxximus

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

@MarfSalvador

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?