What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
spicy snake
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.