[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?