What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You Might Also Like
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”