What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
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*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Salad is the decaf of food.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted