@caseytduncan

What about a To-Don’t List?

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@Corncleats

*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-

“Hammer?”

Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2

@ItsDanSheehan

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

@rickygervais

I’m hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump’s desk are completely different colours.

@PrettyInCamo11

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

@SoulYodeler

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

@1MeLrO

At what age do you say never again and actually mean it.

@GroovyTasia

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

@kellyoxford

“Please add your phone number to secure your acct.”
Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.

@TheMichaelRock

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe.