What about a To-Don’t List?
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People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.