What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.