@JanelSantaCruz

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

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@NYC_Blonde

Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?

@GroovyTasia

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

@LindaInDisguise

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

@ItsDanSheehan

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

@daddydoubts

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

@DanMentos

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

@jordan_stratton

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

@fanofhell

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@LoneWolfStories

Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.

@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.