“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
? 💀
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
God, I love Scotland
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever