“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

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Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?


Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought


After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.


When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”


Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.


me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp


Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.


[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before


Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.


SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.