“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
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Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.