“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
black phone good
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Okay, I’m still confused…
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin