Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“What aisle has the milk?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”
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Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.