@Fazio_N

“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”

You Might Also Like

@RunOldMan

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

@ObscureGent

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

@theshantilly

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

@rebrafsim

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@markedly

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

@Book_Krazy

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.