I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
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I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.