What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Banana is the quietest snack