What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
You Might Also Like
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut