“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…