What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Overindulged this afternoon.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”