WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I would like even faster food.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.