What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.