@MooseAllain

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

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@squirrel74wkgn

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

@MavenofHonor

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

@SarcasticAlly12

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@TheBoydP

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

@serenehavoc

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

@karanbirtinna

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

@CantWaitToNap

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

@Jake_Vig

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

@dubiousrhetoric

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot