“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.