“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

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Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.


Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away


Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that


sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.


There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.


Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.


Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.


Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!


RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys


if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot