@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

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@Sickayduh

“Happy birthday! ”

– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?

“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”

@MattyBShow

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

@mattsurely

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@juliussharpe

I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.

@Pee_And_Giggles

18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.

@david8hughes

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

@curledbitch

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15