What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
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“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous