Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
The smoothest fall of all time
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.