“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I never needed anything more in my life
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!