HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.