@coketruck76

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

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@GrantTanaka

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

@daplusk

Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one

@Darlainky

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

@OFalafel

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

@trevso_electric

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

@dadmann_walking

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

@LnL245

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

@fro_vo

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

@MensHumor

“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers