band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
The answer is tired.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away
Security Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers