“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.