“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I was bored.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?