Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”