What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

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The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.


My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.


[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm


Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.


To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.


If I say I’m going to meet my maker, it’s just me having lunch with my parents.


Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.


I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.


Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.