The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
If I say I’m going to meet my maker, it’s just me having lunch with my parents.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.