*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank


Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”


*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*


[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?


[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag


Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest


If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.


Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.


Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children


a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people