What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava