“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*praying for world peace*
God:
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!