“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
This kid is going places
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.