What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.