Comparing yourself to others
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Love is always patient and kind.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans