What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
much to think about
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.