@cloverjag

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

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@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

@WilliamRodgers

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

@camillagluh

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@KeetPotato

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

@Amusitr0n

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

@_salt_n_lime

Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.

@VanGobot

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!