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People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.


That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.


[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?


I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.


[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.


I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.


I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”