@gruffybeard
Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…
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@gruffybeard
@Mr_Meowwwgi
@DaveWeasel
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
@MonSwanson
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
@hazelmotes1
Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.
Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.
@TheToddWilliams
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
@katie_honan
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
@WheelTod
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
@UnFitz
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
@torii_somerss
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won