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@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…

@DaveWeasel

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

@hazelmotes1

Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.

@TheToddWilliams

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

@WheelTod

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

@UnFitz

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

@torii_somerss

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won