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Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…


My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.


I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.


Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.


[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of



PRIEST: Do you want a hint?


[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”


I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?


bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won