
People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer
Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.
People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer
Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”