Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Rick_IZ

People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.

@samalmightysam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@weinerdog4life

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

@Jeffwni

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@Fred_Delicious

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@StinkyGr33n

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

@1Bad_Scientist

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

@TheTalkingPipe

I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”