People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer
Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I read you can have a stroke without displaying any symptoms and I was like “holy shit, I’m definitely not displaying any symptoms!”