“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

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interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.


If you think my tweets are bad, you should hear me singing in the car.


I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?


Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.


My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.


If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.


[inventing the squirrel]

angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?

god: make em sneaky poopers

angel: wut?

god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.


Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?


where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?