“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
You Might Also Like
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.