@Sickayduh

What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists

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@lizzzzzielogan

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

@PoshTick

[school reunion]

everyone: mirror selfies!

lana: *slowly removing name tag*

@English_Channel

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

@morganalxander

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

@TheMongoose69

Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.

@RedRegenerated

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@SunshineJarboly

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

@Gott_Partikel

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.