Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
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I think the cat got the dog high.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible