“What colour would you call this?”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake


me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no


I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.


After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.


I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.


The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.


a gang that’s all undercover cops but they all think they’re the only undercover cop in the gang


Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.


The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.