“You can’t have your cake and eat
People that don’t know how cake
“What colour would you call this?”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
terrorist: with sock
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.
a gang that’s all undercover cops but they all think they’re the only undercover cop in the gang
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.