“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
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* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull