What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.