What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
boat question
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
wait.